Over the last two weeks I have spent so much time reflecting on memories of this time a year ago. How ill I truly was without knowing it. I've been recalling the sleepless nights and the feeling of your little head rearing up right in my rib cage. I remember how fearful I was on my short drive with my mom on her birthday to the hospital for further tests. I remember calling your daddy to tell him to come, that you would soon be here. And while most mothers say they forget the 'pain' of childbirth, my experiences still stand out so much to me. It is blurred around the edges but I cannot forget how sick I was...or how wonderful your dad was. Or how terrified I was for us to actually bring you home and be your parents.
And for 364 days my parenting nightmares never came true. You have even had two nerve-wracking surgeries which put you under anesthesia. Even then, you handled these moments bravely, you recovered smoothly. And then, on Thursday, May 21, the eve of your first birthday, you shaved years off of your father and I's lives. You will never remember. We will never forget. And so I must write of it, as I did of those difficult hours in which you entered the world. I think I have to get it out. We are still processing, even two days later. On Thursday evening, we were all tired, we have all had some sort of stomach bug and you had been nursing a little fever that afternoon. But you ate dinner and your dad and I carried you into the nursery and put you on the table to change your diaper. Even now I can't be sure why your dad came along, we must have been talking about something, or he was volunteering to take you because it is rare for us to do diapers as a team anymore. As your daddy reached to grab me a new tube of diaper cream your whole body shook hard once and then you became unresponsive. We picked you up, patted you, called your name and you could not focus on us. We called 911 immediately. As I was on the phone with the dispatcher all I could think was "my baby, my baby, he can't die." Your dad and I looked at each other helplessly as you lost color, you were breathing but it was a struggle. Your dad laid you down on the floor and blew a puff of air into your mouth. The dispatcher said to turn you on your side. About that time color returned to your cheeks and you began to wail. I have never been more happy to hear you cry. The whole episode could not have been more than a minute, maybe two, but it felt like an eternity. Soon after you began to cry the sirens arrived. A fire truck, EMT, and about five police cars swarmed our street. In this moment I must thank God for two things. One, your father and I were together. Two, we live so close to fire and rescue and have two hospitals minutes away. You and I rode in the ambulance with several very kind Cave Spring Rescue Squad folks while Daddy followed behind. Longest drive ever, I am sure especially for your dad who couldn't see you or hold you as I could. We spent the next five hours or so at the hospital so you could be monitored and have a urinalysis done to check for infection. You were treated for a high fever and once it came down you were back to your old self, crawling around naked as a jaybird on your hospital bed. The first time that evening that your daddy made you laugh is probably the sweetest sound I have ever heard.
As it turns out, they believe that your fever spiked rapidly and this caused you to have a seizure. We were allowed to leave around midnight with the encouragement to give you medications to keep your fever down and watch you closely for the next 24 hours. If this happens to a child once they are more likely to have another one. But it doesn't mean you will have them the rest of your life or that you will have epilepsy. I believe I checked your temperature at least 10 times in the middle of the night and your daddy slept in the floor all night beside your crib. Let the record show that since that time I have probably checked your temperature 100 times.
On Friday, your actual birthday, we went to see Dr. Sullivan for what was supposed to be your one year check up. This is probably one of the last times we will see the doctor who cared for you the weekend you were born which makes me sad because we have so much respect for him (which is why we haven't moved you to a Roanoke doctor yet). Anyway, Dr. Sullivan discovered something the ER doctor missed. You have "hand, foot, and mouth disease." This is a very contagious virus which causes, surprise, high fevers! He found blisters in your throat, though none have appeared on your hands or feet as of yet. Thus, our anxiety about you having another seizure due to a spike in fever has elevated. The doctor also called for a stool sample since you've had this stomach thing and apparently there is an illness that can cause upset stomach and seizures. It is Memorial Day Weekend, so we must wait until Tuesday for results of the test. I did not anticipate spending your birthday delivering specimen samples and crying multiple times but there it is. This is why for the first time in 12 months your birthday blog is not dated on the 22nd.
I must confess that I am experiencing a lot of mommy guilt over all of this. Ever since I had to put you in daycare full time you have been sick with one thing after another. I know this is "normal" and you are "building your immune system" but your dad and I have also been sick a lot. And I am sorry, but watching my child have a seizure because he has a fever, because he caught something more than likely at daycare, is not something I want to repeat. It has just been difficult to get my sensible mind to tell my very sensitive heart that none of this is my fault. I will always be this way I suspect, always wanting to go above and beyond what is humanly possible for you.
Your daddy and I have spent the last two days hugging and kissing on you more than normal. We have also shed many tears, just so relieved to see you laughing, crawling, eating, sleeping. Suddenly, nothing else really matters at all, just knowing you are here with us, celebrating birthday number one.
We had to cancel your birthday party. Which I was pretty bummed about but the more I think about it, this doesn't matter much. Not because you won't remember it but because it has been such a big weekend for us, it was extra special for us to be together as a family. We had your cake and your daddy went and picked out your presents and wrapped them for you to tear into. We just tell you over and over "we love you" and "happy birthday". If you are reading this at age 18 and we are still doing this, now you know why!
The past few days have been so much I don't really know if I can remember the last month! You did have an outpatient procedure at UVA that had been planned since you were born. So far, you are taking this in stride! You are getting into everything. I love it when you pull up and hold on to my pant-legs when I am standing at the counter. You attended my installation at Covenant and were visited by Uncle Jer and Aunt Crystal. You behaved so wonderfully. You still eat like a horse... I am so thankful you aren't picky but I wonder what your eating habits will be like 12 years from now. I may need a second job to pay for your food! You have gotten to see your grandparents in the last few weeks too which you have enjoyed. I think your favorite game is for daddy or I to "chase" you around the house. You just squeal and laugh and laugh.
I can't believe it has been a year since we first saw you and held you. My tiny little 5 pound, 3 oz, baby now weighs 17.5 pounds and you are 28 inches long! You have grown into this amazing little person. You have the sweetest smile. You are a huge flirt. And when I tell you "no" for something you recognize exactly what I am saying and you grin at me sheepishly and go back to doing it. If this continues I know we are in trouble when you hit adolescence.
You are really just the sweetest child. Your personality is laid-back and gentle. When you aren't animated and happy that is when it is obvious you aren't feeling well. You are also pretty strong-headed. I can't imagine where you got that from. You keep after whatever you have your mind set on. I hope this means that in addition to your obvious strength, loving, silly personality, you will also be an ambitious go-getter.
Every month we have watched you grow and change with wonder and excitement. We love you SO much. I don't think children can ever truly understand how much their parents love them. You are everything to us and you bring out the best in both of us and you make us a stronger team. I have lifetime prayers for you but on this evening, when I am tired and worn out, I am praying for you to be healthy. I am praying that we will never again go through what we have this week. And I am praying that for your birthday next year we can do something fun, like go to the beach, rather than having a traumatic hospital visit!
Here's to the year to come!
Love,
Mom
